Why I am not a psychic — or a skeptic

In 2003, after 32 years in the New Age, and after having published nine books and audio learning sets on psychic healing, auras, chakras, and metaphysical concepts of energy, I left my career to return to college. I made this decision after two years of self-directed study into many of the metaphysical and paranormal ideas I had based my career upon.

While leaving those ideas behind was very frightening and painful, it was a valuable learning experience (this is a joke you will understand further down the page).

I returned to college in 2004 to study the social sciences (history, sociology, criminology, psychology, demographics, economics, cultic studies, and anthropology) because I wanted to understand what had happened in my own life. I also wanted to understand how spiritual beliefs are formed, how ideas are created and change over time, how social movements arise and decay, how groups create their own realities … you know, simple stuff like that.

I graduated with a degree in Social Science in 2006. Though I focused on the sociology of work & occupations, the sociology of cults & high-control groups, the sociology of murder and criminology, and career testing & guidance (okay, I’ve got a lot of interests), I also studied religions and the New Age when I could. I am no longer working with paranormal or metaphysical ideas, though I continue to study them through the lenses of anthropology, sociology, history, neurology, and social and cognitive psychology.

While I am agnostic* about whether any paranormal, spiritual, religious, or metaphysical concepts actually exist, I now understand that I personally am not a psychic, and that there was nothing metaphysical or paranormal about what I did in my previous healing career.

*Definition for clarity: Agnostic means without gnosis or certain knowledge. It is different from atheism, which is merely a lack of belief in gods. Being an agnostic is sort of comical. When the question of religion was posed in a class and I answered, “I’m an agnostic,” a Christian student said loudly to the rest of the group, “That means she wants to believe in God, but she can’t.” Hah! I corrected her, “Actually, it means that I’m saying we can’t know because we are imperfect observers of the world. I am an atheist in regard to every human conceptualization of God (religion has always concerned me, which was why I was originally drawn to the New Age), but I’m able to leave room for a creative force that we aren’t yet capable of understanding. I’m open-minded.”

Some of my atheist friends think agnosticism is a lily-livered kind of fence-sitting, where you’re trying to keep all your options open just in case there’s hell in the offing. I say Hah! to that as well. I didn’t choose agnosticism because I’m afraid; I chose it because I’m willing to be surprised.

What I understand now after all this time is how culture formed my career as a psychic healer, but also how my natural abilities formed the core of my work. Through my rather excessive empathy, I was able to create a full-fledged psychic career, not because I was tricking anyone, but because I can read emotions, gestures, undercurrent, body language, and intentions to a greater extent than is deemed normal. I’ve also been through intense trauma in my life, and because of that, I’m able to understand things about emotions and the human condition that many people don’t understand at all.

The work I did wasn’t about magically reading the future or past lives; rather, it was a form of peer counseling based upon my own understanding of how to rebuild a life after extreme trauma.

The aura

Cover of The Body Has a Mind of Its OwnFor instance, my work with auras was focused upon teaching people who had been brutalized in childhood how to create a tangible, felt sense of protection and privacy around themselves.

Thankfully, I now understand the aura to be a neurologically mapped area called the peripersonal space (see the excellent book The Body Has a Mind of Its Own), and I’ve updated my work in my new book The Language of Emotions (2010) so that my readers can continue to learn how to set effective interpersonal boundaries. It’s really wonderful to have discovered the neurological mapping processes that create the felt-sense of an aura around us, because it’s such a helpful concept!

The chakras and the metaphysical work

My work with chakras was a way to help confused and traumatized people utilize their imaginal skills to access (or more likely, re-create) information about multiple aspects of their personalities (each of the chakras, if you don’t know this, is thought to relate to a different aspect of the self). My work with grounding was a way to help dissociated people re-associate and calm themselves, and my work with disembodied spirits was a way to help people who saw or felt them to gain some measure of control over their lives. Though these approaches were admittedly unconventional, they did help me and others heal from the damage we sustained in our early childhood traumas.

Walking away, but sending a blessing

I’m glad I spent my early years in the New Age community, because I honestly don’t think I would have become well within the conventional psychological or medical models that were available in my early life. Now, however, there is worthwhile conventional help available to trauma survivors (I suggest Dr. Peter Levine’s trauma work to everyone), and I’m no longer interested in championing metaphysical and paranormal alternatives.

I’m glad I was a part of the New Age, and I’m also grateful I left, because what I’ve discovered in my studies — about the brain, the social world, belief structures, group dynamics, memory, certainty (and other illusions), cognitive errors, essentialism, vitalism, the need for protective magic, the seductive nature of authority, and the social phenomenon of healing– has fascinated me. I look forward to continuing my education as an al fresco academic (that’s a studious person who can’t afford grad school).

When people approach me about what some have clumsily called my “conversion” to critical thinking and science, they seem to be looking for some evidence of a crisis of faith. But it was never a crisis of faith; it was always a crisis of conscience. As a healer, I specialized in working with survivors of severe dissociative trauma, and I knocked myself out trying to help these already-injured people feel safe, cared-for, and protected.

Therefore, I was always studying different modalities and healing approaches, and learning about the many questionable (and oftentimes deeply troubling) alternative healing practices that were being offered to trauma survivors.

And here we arrive at the crux of the matter, and the central reason I left the New Age behind: With its time-honored “no-judgment” rule firmly in place, there is simply no formal way to test, question, or bring full critical faculties to what is offered in the New Age. And that’s not okay.

I became a healer because I wanted to help, and because I didn’t want to see people suffer. But I saw plenty of suffering in the New Age as people chased after the magical promises that come so fast, and so continuously. And because there is no formal mechanism for questioning or for consumer protection in the New Age, no one was ever held accountable when things failed to work … and I got really tired of watching it happen over and over and over again.

I also got tired of hearing these failures referred to as “valuable learning experiences.” I was working with people who had been traumatized and who were sometimes struggling through a kind of waking nightmare, and everywhere they turned, magical promises were being lobbed at them. They were wasting time, energy, and money on empty promises. That’s a lot of learning experiences.

As I searched for responsible information about all of the endless healing modalities, gurus, cures, diets, tinctures, meditation techniques, workshops, and herbs, I found a surprising thing. Because there is no mechanism for consumer protection in the New Age, an entire subculture arose to do it for us. I discovered the work of the skeptical community, and though I was offended by a great deal of the tone and behavior I found there, I’ve done enough shadow work to know that what enrages and offends you is often the thing you most need to understand.

Always skeptical, just not formal about it

Though the skeptical movement was new to me, skepticism wasn’t. Since I was a child, I had questioned New Age and metaphysical ideas*, but that didn’t make me unusual. Humans question things, no matter where they are. The stereotype of the completely unwitting, undiscerning New Age dupe is fictional. In the New Age culture, people can and do think, discern, make decisions, and root out false promises in their midst. Questioning ideas from inside the New Age – it’s not that unusual. Just because there’s no formal mechanism for questioning doesn’t mean that New Age people are incapable of questioning.

*Definitions for clarity: Spirituality is widely defined as anything that involves religion, deities, the afterlife, or the “other world.” The New Age refers to an entire spiritual movement that first arose in the late 1800s, and includes splinter Christian beliefs such as Christian Science, Religious Science, Science of Mind, and Unity – and splinter Eastern philosophies such as Theosophy, Anthroposophy, Western Buddhism, Transcendental Meditation, and so forth (some people also place Jungian and Reichian psychotherapies in the New Age category). Metaphysics is a subset of New Age philosophy that encompasses belief in the aura, chakras, chi or prana energy, psychic abilities, astrology, spirit guides, extraterrestrial beings, and cosmic energies that can influence humans or contribute to their healing.

However, while any insider can (informally) question New Age ideas up to a point, when I began to question my own work as a metaphysical author and spiritual healer – and I mean really question my work down to its historical and theoretical foundations – I was alone.

I had no peers, no role models, no mentors, and absolutely no one to talk to about the startling information I continually uncovered in my reading of the literature (in skepticism, history, sociology, anthropology, neurology, biology, physics, chemistry, behavioral economics, and psychology). Despair, despondence, and the sense that I might have lost my mind – these states don’t even begin to describe the experience.

Yet from October, 2001 to the time I ended my career in late 2003, I somehow soldiered onward – with equal amounts of horror and grim determination – to understand just how many questionable ideas and mistaken assumptions I had ingested. It was a brutal, awful time, and if you understand cognitive dissonance, you’ll know why.

It is so difficult to accept that we might have been wrong that some people never, ever do it. No matter what. Let me say this: I totally get those people!

Learning that I had been wrong was a gruesome thing, but that wasn’t the only problem. One of the saddest aspects of ending my career was that – because I had seen so much trouble in the New Age culture (cults and unstable spiritual teachers, health scams, silly psychic schools, extreme diets, Atlantean pelvis aliens, etc.), I was actually trying to make things better with my own series of books and tapes.

I truly thought that I could write to the center of the trouble in the New Age and metaphysical movements. I thought I could help people retain what was true and valuable in the New Age and separate out the rest.

Photo of Sisyphus on the hill

I know I was thinking to myself: If I can just write well enough … if I can just present models that will help people think clearly … if I can just help people find safe resources … if I can just….

I was certainly being naïve, but I was also being like Sisyphus of the Greek myth, endlessly pushing a rock up a hill, only to watch it roll back down every time I got to the top. Never stopping, never looking up – just pushing, pushing, and telling myself that the pushing was somehow meaningful in the larger scheme of things.

Though I meant well and was honestly trying to help and protect people, I finally saw that I was doing no lasting good. Many of the ideas in the New Age are interesting, but they unfortunately exist within a framework that can invite all sorts of confusing and even damaging information into people’s lives. Though I realized that people needed to be responsible for themselves, and that I didn’t hold a hypnotic sway over my readers, my concerns were intensified because I knew my audience. I knew that many people in the New Age were there because they were in pain, because they didn’t fit in, or because they hadn’t been able to find help or comfort anywhere else.

Alternatives become necessary when the conventional fails

Many people in the New Age are just fine, but there is a significant percentage of the population that is in pain, highly sensitive, and highly susceptible to suggestion and harm. However, since the conventional world had already failed them, they were unlikely to return to it. The New Age was the only support they had.

Additionally, people in pain are particularly susceptible to magical promises of hope and healing. These promises come fast and furious in the New Age; without exaggerating, I can say that new promises and cures arise (or old ones are modified) on a monthly basis. No matter what the illness or condition, there is always some magical curative just around the corner – like new Andean spirulina, secret Native cures, new African healers, pyramid hats, magic water, new Reiki that’s totally different from the old Reiki because it’s channeled by dolphins, herbal hormones, miracle water, trips to newly discovered sacred sites (sacredness picks up and moves every couple of years, apparently), new and longer meditation workshops, shamanic healings, miracle vitamins, miracle herbs, or an appointment with the Dalai Lama’s personal physician.

Until I stopped using all of my miracle cures to see what would happen (nothing happened), it was almost impossible to understand what a merry-go-round I had been on. I mean, it’s hard to leave all these promises behind, because what if the next one works? Especially when people that you trust absolutely swear by this new healing or herb or whatever. Why not try it? It could be a valuable learning experience, right?


As I looked around me, I saw that the New Age almost invariably taught people – most especially women – to become more susceptible, more gullible, and less able to identify faulty assumptions, false hopes, and cognitive errors. I was deeply concerned that so many good, caring people in the middle class (and the intelligentsia) were paying good money to learn to think less and to question less. I realized that I was supporting a culture that had no checks or balances and almost no way to speak truth to power. This was completely unacceptable to me.

So in 2003, I ended my healing career, canceled my book contracts, pulled down my website, applied to college, and left my entire life behind. But before I did that, I wrote an essay to the skeptical community and shared my concerns about the troubling tone I found in so much of the skeptical discourse (Bridging the Chasm Between Two Cultures). It appeared in the May, 2004 issue of Skeptical Inquirer and took on a life of its own.

Reformed sinner, apostate exemplar, and circus pony … hello!

I wrote my essay for the Skeptical Inquirer because I discovered a really serious problem: If people in the New Age try to seek out critical or skeptical information (if they even know such information exists) most of them will be completely turned off by its often offensive and polarizing tone – which means that even if they do reach out, they’ll still be completely unprotected in the face of misinformation, unverified healing modalities, and outright deception.

So before I left everything behind, I wrote Bridging the Chasm. As I look at it now, I see that I unconsciously adopted the style of Shakespeare’s “Friend, Romans, countrymen…” speech, where I came in under the defenses of the skeptical community, called myself out as their vanquished foe, and told them why I agreed with them. However, I gently but persistently asked them why they were such complete failures at communicating their concerns to people in my culture.

The response I got was amazing. I only got one crank letter (this was before internet commenting, thank Odin! What a firestorm of ignorance and hyper-reactivity it would generate today, ugh). The rest of the letters were from smart and thoughtful people who not only could take a punch, but actually suggested that I hit a little harder next time.

It was so cool to write for people who weren’t thin-skinned, because my experience of writing dissent material for the New Age reader was that I had to be so careful that I almost couldn’t write at all. If you don’t know this, judgment, argument, and conflict are not acceptable in most New Age circles. You just don’t do it, and you especially don’t question received spiritual wisdom. I’m astonished that I got away with the amount of challenging stuff I wrote!

So when I wrote my piece for that skeptical mag, it was nice to take off the gloves somewhat, say some very challenging things, and then have readers take the challenge and run with it. It was fun to have people actually ask to be argued with and challenged!

I also met some very smart and dear skeptical friends who agree that the skeptical approach really doesn’t translate very well – and I met skeptics who understand that you can be skeptical and be a spiritual or religious person at the same time.

For instance, I certainly was a skeptic in all of my books and tapes, and a dissenter from many New Age tenets. Check out my work on the importance of judgment, which was – and still is – total heresy. And I think I was the only person in the New Age connecting traumatic dissociation and entry into the New Age (which seems to inadvertently select for people who have dissociative tendencies). At that time, I was also the only person talking about the irreplaceable necessity of emotions in every aspect of life (in the New Age of my youth, emotions were essentially pathologized – they were seen as the opposite of spirituality and therefore something to be ignored, manipulated, suppressed, or shunned).

I hadn’t walked the line with New Age ideas, and I hadn’t been anyone’s mouthpiece. The cool skeptics I met did not look down on me for an instant, though some of them had to do some mental calisthenics to fit me into their worldviews. Bully for them that they did so.

I was very glad to be welcomed by the skeptical community, but I didn’t find a way to be comfortable in the straight-up skeptical world. I wasn’t able to adapt to a number of the social rules that define membership there.

For instance, in many cases, arguing is pretty much the focus of skeptical discourse. For the most part, research doesn’t happen there, but arguing about research does. And a lot of times, it’s surprisingly untutored arguing among people who haven’t got degrees or work experience in the subject at hand. So it’s kind of like a fantasy football league of science fanboys. I mean, I was a big D&D Star Trek sci-fi geekgirl in my youth, so I get the feel of it, but huh.

I didn’t find clear leadership, strong ethics, deep inquiry, or cross-cultural empathy in the skeptical community, and I needed all four. In my New Age career, I had already spent decades working in what turned out to be futility; it wasn’t any fun. I didn’t want to spend any more time on futility, so I’ve headed out on my own journey.

Focusing on what actually works

Now, I am focusing on what does work. I had the great good fortune to work with two of my professors on research projects and books, and oh my word, research is the most fabulous thing ever. You don’t just stand around pontificating, or taking other people’s word for things. You work and think, and think and work, and challenge yourself, and open your mind, and try to prove yourself wrong in as many ways as you can, and you get to do and read some of the most amazing things! I mean, stuff that is so much more fascinating than anything I’ve ever seen or heard before. It’s just so cool to get your hands on real research. Oh my!

And top-notch researchers, top-notch scientists, are not smarty pants know-it-alls. No. Great researchers are adventurers, and visionaries, and astonishingly humble people, because they have to be able to balance their knowledge and expertise with the information that comes from the world they are studying. They have to be able to change their minds when the data disconfirm their cherished opinions. Genius!

Great researchers are now my model for how to be an exemplary human being, because they are smart enough to do the work required to question the universe, yet humble enough to listen to the answers they get. They’re also smart enough to stay connected with others in their field, and in far-reaching fields, so that their dataset is constantly changing and being challenged. In top-notch researchers and thinkers, the ability to tolerate cognitive dissonance is a sort of prerequisite. I like that. I respect that. I want to emulate that.

I call these idealized researchers a model, because as you can imagine, scientists can be just as unethical, myopic, egocentric, power mad, and wonky as anyone else. They can be jealous of others, married to cherished ideas, unaware of their biases and standpoints, confused by data they don’t understand or can’t accept, isolated by their own sense of importance, hypnotized by fame, money, or power, or stuck in the morass of bureaucracy and petty infighting that occurs in academia.

Yet even though there are tremendous obstacles in their way, we have been blessed with brilliant researchers and scientists who have helped us know more about ourselves, our world, and the universe. The tools of scientific research are kind of miraculous, considering how prone to mistakes, prejudice, bias, stubbornness, and outright error we humans and our brains can be.

So what’s next?

That’s a good question, and my answer is: research and storytelling. I had been holding back on telling the story of my transition away from metaphysical and supernatural thinking, because I don’t agree with the assumptions many people have about what such stories are for. In sociology, these stories have a name: apostate atrocity tales.

The idea is that I’m supposed to be coming at this process with a fiery kind of anger, where I attempt to destroy the New Age because I know from the inside where the bodies are buried. But that idea is both naïve and annoying. My sociological training really helped me understand the power of culture, and especially the almost overwhelming power of the gigantic, multi-tentacled behemoth called the New Age. I, one person, don’t have the power to effect much change, and when I consider the deep troubles we’re all facing, I can totally understand why the New Age exists and thrives.

I’m sorry when absurd things happen in the New Age and alternative medicine, and I’m sad when people waste their time and money on promises that have little to no validity. But I totally understand the powerful, seductive pull of all those promises.

So I’m in this very Taoist place about all of it (Taoism, if you don’t know this, tends to be a kind of formalized ambivalence). Very perhaps … perhaps I’m glad to be out of the New Age, because after more than 30 years, and after getting to the top of the mountain, I saw enough to know that there was nothing there for me. I no longer wanted to cling to a dream, or to support a group of ideologies that were not worthy of the wonderful people who were drawn to them.

But perhaps I also see the need for the New Age. Organized religion has lost its meaning for many people; it has let people down and chased them into alternative belief systems (because something still feels necessary). The religious feeling is an inborn longing for many of us, and it’s not going away. And to be honest, alternative spirituality seems less odious than traditional religions in many ways, because people get to pick and choose spiritual traditions for themselves, rather than having to prostrate themselves to conventional religions that espouse so many rigid, outdated, intolerant, and injurious ideas.

I see the purpose of the New Age, and I see it as an evolutionary process of sorts. I don’t need to destroy it. I also don’t need to destroy the skeptical culture, though I’m saddened and frustrated by the continued tonal inaccessibility of their information. I don’t need to destroy anyone, especially since many of my favorite people hang out in both of these places; I just need to do my own thing and continue to question everything, including the process of questioning itself.

I also don’t want to get trapped by looking at the fight between skeptics and New Agers as if it is somehow unique. It isn’t. Us-versus-them fights happen everywhere we look, and the fights (no matter which us is against which them) nearly always guarantee that effectiveness, compassion, empathy, reason, and common sense will not prevail. I want to understand, through research and storytelling, how and why polarization occurs, and how it can be avoided or alleviated.

In sharing my transition away from paranormal, supernatural, and metaphysical thinking, I am not beating a drum or proselytizing for reason uber alles. I’m not creating a new us so that we can all be aligned against a new them. Instead, I’m hoping to provide a kind of camaraderie for people who, like me, have grown out of previous beliefs, made a sea change in their lives, and left their communities and their cultures behind.

Here’s to the journey.


Filed under Agnosticism, Alternative medicine, Cognitive Biases, Energy, Metaphysics, New Age, Skepticism, Sociology

19 responses to “Why I am not a psychic — or a skeptic

  1. More on Gnu Atheism than on skepticism, but I think many anti-religious people miss people’s desire for “fellowship”: http://socraticgadfly.blogspot.com/2011/10/gnuatheism-vs-psychology-and-sociology.html

  2. You know, I possess a different set of beliefs than you do – although both of ours have basis in and then walking away from the new age movement.

    What I truly love and respect about your work is the level of personal inquiry and critical thought used in conjunction with your actual experiences, as you have formed and articulated a new way of seeing.

    Which often has more in common with my own path, than that of my co-religionists!

    Ultimately, anyone that gives serious thought to the re-examination of life and then changes their life as a result, is probably going to be OK by me.

    Thanks for your exhaustive work and your spirit of generosity. I can say spirit of generosity around here, can’t I?? Sorry, could not resist!

    And to think, you were simply ¡karlacita! in the comments at Matty’s, when I first met you and now I have come to know so much about you here. What a gift!

    • Fran, thanks so much! It’s so fun to have your ideas rolling through my feed everyday. It makes an excellent counterpoint to the grumbling of my more alarmist atheist and skeptical friends. ;) I think we’d make excellent co-chairs on the committee I am now calling “Who cares what you believe? Are you a good person with kindness in your heart and an open mind? Then join us!” Sadly, this committee has a useless acronym. Let’s convene a meeting where the first item on the agenda will be creating a better name. Padre Mickey and Matthew can be the guest musicians.

  3. Karla – You inspire me. I love that you are so candid about sharing your journey with exploring what is true and not true for you in your spiritual beliefs now. I appreciate all the research you have done on this. I’m still in the in-between stage. It helps me to read your well thought-out and researched opinion on this.

    I belong to a group who are believers in the “law of attraction” and they are Abraham-Hicks followers. I am attracted to some of these beliefs but the whole Abraham-Hicks thing with Ester and Jerry Hicks and what they do and their life style is a turn-off for me. I bought their book “Ask and it is Given” a while back and have been trying to read it, but have now put it down again. I just can’t buy into the way this wisdom is delivered right now. I have found myself going back and forth with wanting to believe it and then discounting it.

    My explanation of the “channeling” phenomenon is that it is just another perspective we can come from that is the big picture and we can make meaning out of the issue by stepping back and getting the larger perspective. We can learn to get ourselves into that frame of mind, get out of our own way, and perceive from our soul’s perspective. From that perspective we can use our right brain to connect the dots and get a more thorough understanding of life. This is something everyone can do and it is called intuition.

    Thanks for letting me be a part of this conversation!

    • Thanks Gail! I’m glad you’re in the conversation. I’ve got a post brewing about observing a psychic healing as a participant observer and ethnographer, and I’ve got some really interesting research on what people have called intuition — which is very often an embodied data set and skill-set that moves forward so quickly that it can’t be identified as thought, even though it is. It’s almost as if this embodied knowledge moves forward into consciousness in the way emotions do. Fascinating!. This is a longer conversation, and I’ll be incorporating it into that post, but it’s fun to be on the journey, yes?

      Thanks for your support and your interest. I appreciate you!

  4. I’m reading “Missing the Solstice” between work tasks. It’s hard to stop and get back to work! (I work with animals…who are wonderful clients. So, that’s saying a lot…that it’s hard to stop to get back to the critter companions.)

    After reading this entry, I sit here with a smile, a heart that is warmed, gratitude, and also shaking my head. I relate so well to this entry.

    Many thoughts I have. I’ll just toss a couple here:

    1) I went from a ‘cult’ into an ‘anti-cult’ and was broad-sided. I tried (ungracefully and without much success) to get the certain anti-cult folks to see that certain behaviors and attitudes and *stuff* wasn’t helpful for folks exiting a ‘cult.’ Ultimately I ended up as part of a scapegoat scenario among the ‘anti-cult.’ :( Looking back, I wish I had handled some things differently; but alas that’s often the case…looking back.)

    People who are in pain are vulnerable, all to different degrees of course. I’ve been one of those people. I think, I think, that I’m finally getting my legs back and able to trust again…in a healthy manner .

    2) On a different note, you mention the “merry-go-round”…I have a blog piece that I initially named “Carousel of Physicians.” I”m thankful to no longer have to ride that carousel. And I have deep empathy for those still on the carousel.
    (Here is the blog piece if any readers are interested: http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2010/02/carousel-of-physicians.html )

    Looking forward to reading the next ‘chapter.’ Plus I’m learning about the New Age movement that I never realized. *thumbsup*

    • Typo: “Plus I’m learning things about the New Age movement that I never realized.” :)

      • Thanks for your careful and empathic reading! I appreciate you, and so do the critters!

        Oh, hell yeah about the anti-cult movement. I’m writing a book now with cult expert Janja Lalich about children who grew up in cults and escaped. What Dr. Lalich points out is that cults are very specific social groups that behave in ways that all social groups do. There are differences, but cults do not exist in a secret otherworld of inhuman tendencies; rather, they are what we are. From the intro:

        “We think of cults as bizarre, inexplicable, or otherworldly places that only strange people inhabit, but cults and other abusive and high-demand groups and relationships are actually quite commonplace. In fact, the behaviors, social pressures, and authoritarian structures that typify cults exist to a greater or lesser extent in every human relationship and every human group. Cult behavior is human behavior – and by studying cults, we can learn astoundingly useful things about the social world and our place in it…
        …the way that we are introduced to cults by the media colors our view and makes us less aware of the true nature of these groups. Last year, national media outlets lambasted and ridiculed the seemingly bizarre cult of Reverend Harold Camping, whose three failed doomsday prophecies became the butt of endless jokes. We see lurid accounts of polygamist cults and people wearing strange dress, and due to the way these groups are portrayed, we are shielded from practical knowledge. We can comfortably tell ourselves that those cult people are different from normal people – from us – because we continually hear the convenient and melodramatic lie that cults are filled with wild-eyed followers, insane leaders, and gullible fools.

        Subsequently (and tragically), when we meet up with actual abusive people or true high-demand groups, we miss all of the signals and traipse unheedingly into danger.”

        This book will be so awesome!!

  5. “Take Back Your Life” was a big help to me.That said, one of my favorite books regarding cultic groups is Dr. Lalich’s “Bounded Choice.” I stated elsewhere that “Bounded Choice” for me was “one of the most understandable books for explaining and dissecting cultic group dynamics and influence techniques, all on a continuum of course.”
    (http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2011/04/over-ninety-nine-percent-identical.html )

    After my anti-cult cultic experience, I googled “anti-cult cults.” Ha. Anyway, that experience led my on a journey in discovering and hopefully understanding with more clarity group dynamics and how we function. Yet, I still ended up in what became another bizarre relationship.I had to look at myself as one of the common factors…how did I end up in these situations? The other common factor was the people I ended up in these situations with had once been involved in abusive groups as well. The greatest common factor is that we are human…complex 2-legged creatures.

    Anyhoo, I look forward to the new book when it is released. Something I read on Arthur Diekman’s site came to mind when I read your excerpt: “There is no Them – there is only us.”

    PS: Hope you don’t mind me linking other pages. I simply link them to where the quotes come from for context…if any readers might be interested.

    PPS: Thank you for the kind words. Right backatcha. :)

    • Hah! I was the editor on Take Back Your Life, and I’ve got that book and Bounded Choice on my desk right now as I’m writing! Janja’s work is so awesome. In this new book (the working title is Escaping Utopia), I’ve structured the chapters to follow the bounded choice framework. Yeeha!

  6. Karla, my DARLING! You don’t need to build a bridge. You ARE the bridge. The answers to my own feelings of being a person without a country are relieved by the simple act of reading your words. What a brilliant, brilliant essay on where we are in our understanding of these things. BRAVO for your work and your courage. Thank you for sharing the peace you’ve found so others – like me – can find theirs.

  7. I really enjoyed reading this. I have similar problems with “believers” and “skeptics” myself coming from an experience of dreaming about some unusual characters and events a few years before they happened. If I mention this to “believers” the next thing you know I’m hearing all about Carlos Castaneda as if we share a common bond. I’m REALLY narrow on my claim. But if I’m talking to a “skeptic” they assume I’m claiming to predict the future which immediately means I should sign up for the Million Dollar Challenge asap.

    It’s a hard bridge to straddle when so many assumptions are made. Not too many on either side are listening. I guess it’s just a matter of perseverance if you think you have anything valuable to contribute.

    I look forward to reading more of your work.

    • Lisa, I hear you. Both sides seem to be missing gigantic pieces of the story, and I’m not interested in their approaches any longer. I’ve been reading as much as I can on paranormal experiences, because I’ve had a ton of them — and I’m not finding excellent books or sources. The developmental neurologist Bruce Hood did a good book about paranormal sensations and ideas called Supersense, and he didn’t write or act like a know-it-all, condescending person, so it was really nice to read. But then he moved on pretty quickly to other topics (his new book is about the self, and I’m looking forward to reading it).

      I’ve been looking around for ways to write about visions and visitations with a neurologically, developmentally, and humanely grounded approach, but I haven’t found the right support — and I’ve got to find the time to really engage in deep study, but that time is not making itself available for a while! I’m editing my book on empathy right now, and then moving directly to a book about people who grew up in cults and survived. It’s intense!

      As you’re bopping around, let me know if you find any sources that are grounded and focused on inquiry rather than condescension and rigid certainty!

      • I will keep an eye out for you for sure. My approach to all this is to simply document anything unusual I experience and make those observations available to researchers. Eventually we’ll get down to the bottom of what all this “anomalous” phenomena is. It’s only a matter of time and effort.

        The answers aren’t going to arise through online forums, although they do serve other needs.

  8. Karla,

    Any advice for a mostly-skeptical husband whose wife has been getting more involved in the New Age movement lately? Over the course of the last year she has been reading more books by New Age authors, and started studying energy work. I love my wife, and I can’t force her to change (I’ve certainly tried, and it has only ever backfired).

    My wife is an intelligent woman, but she has been biased against onventional medicine due to bad experiences. She has little training in science, and often accepts the “science” done by New Age researchers at face value. This is even more of a problem when it comes to her own experiences. For example, she has been using a pendulum for chakra balancing, and can’t accept that her use case is due to the ideomotor effect, although she has no problem accepting that for divination (which she doesn’t believe in).

    I realize that most people in the New Age are sincere about what they believe, and I don’t think anybody is intentionally trying to decieve her. I’ve tried to provide her with skeptical information that isn’t insulting or derogatory, but it’s so hard to come by (as you already know). She is definitely willing to read skeptical information that isn’t mean-spirited, so if you happen to know of something that might help I’d appreciate it. I have started reading The Language of Emotion (and have The Art of Empathy on my list) as I think they will help me through this. She has expressed interested in them as well, but right now she’s neck-deep in books by New Age authors.

    Thanks for all your work, and I look forward to reading your future books.

    • The answer is love and empathy. They’re the only things that work. Here’s a story from last year about a man in a situation something like yours. It’s very helpful, because he makes all the mistakes!

      I thought all anti-vaxxers were idiots. Then I married one.

      I was just talking to my husband last night about the continued failures of the skeptical movement, and it’s such a shame. Their approach was so off-putting, but I kept coming back because I needed dis-conforming evidence and support. But they kept chasing me away with their condescension and lack of empathy or kindness.

      It was only when I reached out to Bob Carroll, bless his heart, that I could make the full transition out. His kindness, humor, warmth, and research chops helped me see him as a trusted source. Sadly, on his site Skepdic, he often puts on the writing style of the skeptical culture. It’s really too bad. But it has helped me look at failures in communication, advocacy, and activism, and really do some interesting scholarship since then!

      If it helps, reminding your wife of how smart she is can help her being to question things. It can also help to openly admit about something you were wrong about, and how you figured out the problem. This can’t be done in an obvious teachery way, but it can help create and atmosphere where wrongness isn’t shameful or toxic.

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